My So Called World
by emuroo
Summary: On the night before he leaves Hogwarts to enter the real world Remus Lupin reflects on the past and future. Oneshot. Please read and review.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Harry Potter books or movies. They are the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. I am not richer than the Queen of England, and I am not a boy, so that can't be me.

My So-Called World

By emuroo

My world is ending.

No, correction: the little world-like thing I had, is ending. After all, what I, Remus Lupin, have can scarcely be called a proper world.

You ask 'Why, why would a smart seventeen year old boy say that he has no world?' I'll tell you why. Because when you are not only eighteen, but also a shy, bookish, ugly, scarred _werewolf_, you have no real world. You have a so-called world, where you worry constantly about someone finding out your secret, about your friends accidentally telling someone, or changing their minds and not wanting to be your friends anymore. About the future, and about the possibility of the dark mark appearing over your home.

And not only that, but it's about to get a lot worse. To explain it, I'll have to go back to the beginning.

You have to understand that before I came to Hogwarts I had no friends, I as totally alone.

When I started at Hogwarts I was terrified. Terrified that someone would learn my secret, and hate me, or worse, that they would _tell._ (Some people did find out, but they reacted far better than I'd imagined, however, I'm getting ahead of myself.)

To my absolute shock something happened to me that had never happened before. Three other boys in my dorm wanted to become my friends. Sure, they teased me about my reading and organization, but they were _friends_. I cannot stress enough how excited I was to have people to talk to, people to cheer me up, people who cared about me. James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black quickly became my best friends.

I was so happy to have friends, so excited that they thought I was normal (though of course, I knew that I was a monster), and I couldn't believe that they actually liked me. It didn't seem possible.

The only thing that marred my first year at Hogwarts was the worry that they would discover my secret, that they would find out that I as a werewolf. In second year my worst fears were realized. They cornered my after classes, part way through March (I'm not totally certain why they cornered me, I talked to them all the time, although I think that they might have felt that it would be more dramatic, after all they were twelve or thirteen, it must have seemed like an adventure to them) and Sirius looked at me seriously and said to me, "Remus We know that you are a werewolf, and w-."

I cut him off quickly, and told them in a rush, "I'm sorry for lying to you, I know that you hate me, I'll just go pack my bags now." Then I looked at the three boys standing in front of me for a second, and ran. In retrospect I think that my announcement shocked them a little, though at the time all that I could think of was the fact that I was going to have to leave.

When they found me I was crying over my half-packed trunk. Sirius and James dragged me to my feet, turned me around and held me there for a minute, just looking at me, as though at a loss for what to do. All I could think was that they were about to beat me up. What else would they do?

Then Sirius said, " I don't remember us saying that we wanted you to go, Remus."

I looked at him blankly, and then whispered in terrified voice "But I'm a monster. Things like me eat little children. I am evil." Why didn't they understand how awful this was already, why were they teasing me? Tears were now streaming down my face, and I simply couldn't understand why they were torturing me so much.

My words seemed to have a profound effect on the others. Suddenly I was buried in a hug.

James was saying "You are not a monster! You just have a-a-a a little furry problem!" (This was a phrase I would hear again in the future, as James decided that it was a perfect code name for the werewolf thing.)

I could hear Peter add "People who help me with my homework are not evil. That title is reserved for people who hex me. If you want to, you may also call them Slytherins."

I could hear the grin in his voice, and suddenly I was laughing, even as I cried. Even so, I continued. "I'm not human, I am messed up, some day I'll probably hurt someone. You don't want a werewolf sleeping in the same room as you."

At this Sirius grabbed me by the shoulders and practically yelled "Remus, don't ever say that. You aren't messed up. You are a whole lot more perfect and good and-and-and everything than the rest of us. There is nothing wrong with you. So there."

He looked so imposing, drawn up to his full height, hair out of his face standing tall and proud, and at the same time he had just used one of the most juvenile phrases known to man. I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. Soon all four of us were rolling on the floor of the dorm, laughing so hard we could hardly breathe.

When we had finally calmed down James turned to me and told me, "Remus, we don't care if you are a werewolf. Above all, you are our friend."

For a moment I was speechless. I looked at Peter and Sirius, who both nodded their agreement. Finally, finding my voice I said two words. It was really the only thing I could say. I looked at the three of them standing there, and knew that they would not betray me. "Thank you" I breathed.

I couldn't believe that they had accepted me, and I was more grateful than I can say. I never thought that I could have friends, and here I was with the three best friends in the universe.

I was even more shocked when, in fifth year, they became animagi, so that they could come with me on full moons.

I was even able to make up with Sirius after him telling Snape to go to the willow. It took a while, but that's just how strong our friendship is.

And that is part of why my world-like thing is ending (I still refuse to call it a world). If I had never had friends, then being thrust out into a world that hates me might not be so hard. As it is I am afraid that not only will I be surrounded by people who know what I am (I have to register as a werewolf when I leave school, and If anyone asks I must tell them what I am, and I have to put it in my resume) and hate me, but that I will lose contact with my friends, and be alone again.

I know that it will be almost impossible for me to get a job, even though I got excellent scores on my N.E.W.T.s.

I may never see Peter again. I may never see James again. I may never see Sirius again.

I will be going out into a world that Voldemort is destroying, piece, by piece, by piece. That makes me wonder whether it isn't just my world that's ending. How about James' girlfriend, Lily Evans? She is muggleborn, so all the people in her family are muggles, think of the risk they must be in. Then there's Sirius, who doesn't give a damn about his family, except to defy them every chance he gets, because of the side they are on. His bother is a Death Eater. It's like that American Civil War I learned about in Muggle Studies, brother fighting brother. And there's Peter, who still doesn't know what he wants to do with his life.

I don't know how I will survive on my own. I can't believe that it is already the night before I leave here forever. That it has been seven years since I first sat here in this window, in my dormitory and thought. It seems as though my first day was seven days ago, not weeks or months, and certainly not years. But that's how long it's been.

Tomorrow when I walk out the front gate I will never return as a student. I will enter a world full of people who hate me for what I am. It is a world where a Dark Lord, who is gaining power by the day, seeks to rule and kill.

I only really know two things. One is that I am entering a world full of uncertainty. The other is that whether it takes a year, or two, or three, or whether it happens tomorrow, before long, my so-called world will smash into a thousand pieces.

Author's note: I hope that you enjoyed this. Please review and tell me what you thought, I'm not sure how it worked out; I've never tried to write anything angsty before. It will make me very happy if you review! I promise to respond to all reviews.

emuroo


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